Life takes many twists and turns and often times the journey is muddled with uncertainty. The winds of change have been stirring my soul for some time now. Sometimes the plans you thought you had so carefully constructed don't sit right and this dichotomous tug begins to ebb and flow in your spirit. This new plane is difficult to navigate indeed. Many times over the past couple of years my head and heart have warred over the right decision. Of course women are notorious for their gifting of justification (just take a look at my closet), however this time it's not 'do I need those shoes,' but more is this life altering decision the right path to take?
I remember coming to a similar crossroads in college. I call it my "wilderness" period. It was my senior year and I was living by myself in the dorms. It was the summer break before my last semester and I was trying desperately to finish up and graduate, only I had no idea where I was going to go. I broke out in hives for the whole summer break and they continued their annoying itch for the next four months. During that time I was frantically searching for a job in texas, so I could be close to Paul. If I was confident of one thing, it was that Paul and I were destined to be together. I remember praying desperately the God would write the answer He had for me on the walls or visit me in dream and make it abundantly clear what I was supposed to do. I even read books on surrender! I remember one night specifically where i was on my knees disolved in tears asking for guidance. After that night I let go of the control I was trying hard to maintain; my hives stopped the next week. One week before I was done with classes and officially homeless I received a call from this middle school asking me to come I for an interview the next day. Five years later I'm still working at that middle school, living in suburbia, happily married.
Yet here I am again, albeit without the hives and with a partner to navigate the seas and while I have such a finite sense that God will guide us again, I can't help but feel that I'm still playing tug of war with control. This venture is exciting and daunting and nerve wracking all at the same time. This adventure is life, so God, give me the courage to go bodly and release me from my own restraints.
“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.”
I'm sure Thoreau must have crossed some thresholds in his day.
